


Tony Stark's Rules for Life

by XOSweetsOX



Series: Tony Stark's Rules for Life [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Domestic Avengers, Domestic Fluff, Eventual Smut, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Light Angst, M/M, a lot of other stuff that I really don't feel like taging right now
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-03-26 09:52:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3846463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XOSweetsOX/pseuds/XOSweetsOX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony has a lot of rules for life, as he will describe to you in the very near future. </p><p>That is, if you choose to read this fic.</p><p>And if the author remembers to post more rules.</p><p>Just go read the fucking tags.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 178: Tony Stark's Rules for Life

**Author's Note:**

> Does anybody know any good therapists? Because apparently I have huge massive gargantuan issues with hyphens. As in, it’s-ruining-my-life-aka-my-writing-style kind of issues.
> 
> See what I mean? Anyway, I was just having fun (not really, but we'll go with that) writing the first chapter of this and decided that because this is just fluff and angst and stuff, and it doesn’t need to have any plot or structure at all, I can do whatever I want. (So fuck you, proper sentence structure!) It’s really interesting, actually, and pretty stress relieving too...
> 
> Actually, this is my way of relieving stress and tension, so expect these to be soul-wrenchingly angsty. Or at the very least designed to make you a little teary eyed.
> 
> But don't worry, I'm too much of a sucker for happy endings with a capital smut, so most of these will turn out positive, and at the very least all of them will turn out neutral.
> 
> P.S, I would loooooooooove prompts to try to fit to the whole "Rules" thing, so please comment or what have you to give me prompts for this. I really want the challenge that comes with writing something that's not your own original idea.
> 
> P.P.S, Please forgive my bad attitude today, which carries over into the tags and summary and notes and everything. I'm sorry, but I'm just not going to manufacture a good mood for your sake.

Tony has issues.

 

Like, hella major issues. Tony's pretty sure they are most closely comparable to those demonstrated in A Week in the Life of The Avengers by James Tomsworth. Not that Tomsworth actually did any legitimate research in the first place, but Tony guesses that it’s the most accurate out of all the plethora of Avengers books and documentaries that exist. At least, it is in Tony’s opinion.

 

Anyway, most of Tony’s issues only came into being after the Battle for New York. Or the Day-All-Hell-Wrapped-Up-in-a-Bright-Green-and-Gold-Ribbon-Named-Loki-Broke-Loose, as Clint liked to call it. Unnecessarily long and unnecessarily hyphenated word notwithstanding, Tony agrees with him. They haven’t dealt with anything of Loki’s caliber since Loki himself, and with a little help from a certain God (Thor, sillies, don’t you know that Tony Stark is atheist?) their lives will stay that way for a good long while (meaning we-wish-it-was-forever-but-we-all-know-that’s-never-going-to-happen kind of long while).

 

Anyway, after the battle, Tony realized that a certain beautiful considerate super soldier had kinda wormed his way into Tony’s heart, what with all the standing up to him (which not many people do) and saving the world and shit. Seriously, every time ‘Captain America’ and ‘Battle for New York’ are said in the same sentence, someone’s either talking about how Steve was running around commanding police officers like he owned the city (which really, he does, and anyone who says otherwise doesn’t live in NYC), or they’re talking about that one adorable clip of that beat up girl thanking him for saving her life that went really viral. (As in, so-viral-that-even-those-sad-people-who-have-absolutely-no-social-media-connection-to-speak-of-have-seen-it kind of viral.)

Needless to say, Tony’s noticed Steve. Definitely noticed him, no buts about it. Like, _noticed_ him noticed him. As in, he _really_ noticed him. And he can’t make it any clearer to himself, otherwise he’ll have a mental breakdown for ~~crushing on~~ noticing Captain Steve Fucking Rogers. A drunk Tony had once come up with a recipe for this cocktail of angst-slash-unknowingly-directed-sexual-tension, and it goes something like this:

 

Take as much honor, determination, stubbornness, mental fortitude, righteousness, and common sense as you can find, and add it all together in a bowl from the “Hunkiest-muscliest-most-attractive-man-you’ve-ever-seen” line by Donna Goldstone, mixing well along the way. Next, stick that bowl in the deep freezer for seventy years.

 

Then thirty years later, in a separate bowl, combine a single childhood of being detested by everyone, one relationship-that-should-have-stayed-friends, a plethora of one night stands, a lifetime of alcohol abuse, as much media exposure as is humanly possible to fit into one bowl, and a crap-ton of daddy issues. Make sure that you don’t accidentally add in any give-a-shits, because this recipe is supposed to be very authentic. Stir all that together with the biggest spoon that’s FDA certified to absolutely-fuck-up-anything-it-touches that you can find, and bake it at “Definitely-absolutely-no-questions-asked-going-to-burn-some-disgusting-shit-into-a-really-gross-mess” degrees fahrenheit for forty years.

 

Next, take both bowls and smack them together repeatedly in the middle of an extraterrestrial war zone until they both shatter into a million little pieces. Each. Finally, separate both types of pieces and put them both in separate areas. If you did it correctly, the frozen pieces should immediately reform themselves into a perfectly made and filled bowl that smells like apple pie. It can now be used as a large decoration piece in covert intelligence organization offices to cover up the blood stains on the carpet.

 

The other bowl should just sit there for a while, broken and smoldering. Eventually, it will slowly begin to fix itself, with much encouraging from a certain red-haired beauty and a certain african-american air-force commander.  The final product for this bowl will look like a vase that was shattered by a careless child, and then even more carelessly (though not for lack of trying) taped together in an effort to hide it from mother.

 

Basically, people should bow down to Steve and Tony is really fucked up. Or so Tony thinks. Which leads Tony to the point of this whole inner monologue/fake-thought-dialogue-thing-that-would-make-really-good-fanfiction-but-fanfiction-doesn’t-actually-exist-or-maybe-it-does-but-who-really-knows-except-Tony-shouldn't-be-thinking-about-this-because-if-fanfiction- _does-_ exist-then-this-might-be-breaking-the-fourth-wall-which-would-be-a-really-bad-thing-because-people-don't-seem-to-realize-that-the-fourth-wall-is-a-load-bearing-wall.

 

 

So Tony has issues, which will continue to be examined in the upcoming Rules... Here goes nothing!

 

"Did you get all that, Jarvis?"

 

"Yessir, I do believe it will be a wonderful introduction chapter to your biography titled "Musings of an Insane Man" by Insert Random Psychologist Here

 

"Shut up, smart-ass."


	2. Rule 179: Always Have Steve Censor Fanfiction Before You Read It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More stuffies in this series, irdefk what to put here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, here's another rule for you!! But first, a few words from the author.
> 
> 1\. I need to clear something up that might not be exactly see-through. Chapter One of this fic is Rule 178. Rule 178 is that Tony Stark has a lot of Rules (not really a rule, I know, but I like it). This chapter (2) is Rule 179: Steve and Fanfiction (don't make me repeat it). No, there are not 177 chapters missing, I simply felt like starting with 178 to emphasize the fact that Tony has a lot of Rules.
> 
> 2\. This chapter is for Wishful, who gave me the prompt that inspired it. Thanks for my first prompt!! (So, this is really not the way I imagined this fic going when you first gave me the prompt, but if you'd like to hear more about that, let me know!
> 
> 3\. There is a section of this fic that involves another one of my fics: "Can't Touch This". No, you don't have to go read that one to be able to understand this one, I just wanted to let you know. (Does anyone else realize how weird it is to have a fic inside a fic?)
> 
> 4\. In that same vein, there are technically two fics in this one fic, and they are designated by different line separators. The ones in the main fic are my usual ones, which like this ~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~ The ones in the inside fic look like this :-::-::-::-::-::-: and also denote the beginning and end of the inner fic.
> 
> 5\. As always, please please please I would really really like prompts. they are what is going to move this fic along, so if you wanna see this fic continue... Not to say I don't have a few ideas of my own, but my fics usually turn out better when I combine your ideas /and/ my ideas. Anyway, If you do give me a prompt and I end up using it, I will always make sure to credit you and gift you the fic (If I can). You deserve it, I think...
> 
> That's all for now, folks! Thanks for enduring the monologue, now on to the fic!

Rule 179: Always have Steve censor Fanfiction before you read it.

 

So, it turns out that fan fiction actually does exist! And thankfully, it's not the fourth-wall-breaking kind. At least, I haven’t talked directly to any fanfiction readers lately knowingly. Which begs the question, would we know it if our lives are just plot points in some giant cosmic book that someone else is reading? Anyway…

 

So most of the fanfiction I’ve found is something called ‘fluff’, and it basically consists of me and Steve doing cute couple stuff.

 

Oh yeah!! All the fanfiction I’ve been reading is something called ‘Stony’ fanfiction, which means it’s about me and Steve as a couple. Which, that’s the way it is in reality, so I don’t get why there should be any _other_ kind of fanfiction with me and/or Steve in it. Seriously, all ‘Pepperony’ ‘shippers’ need to go home, that ship has sailed and sunk. Though, you know, artist’s license. I suppose they can ‘ship’ whoever they want, really…

 

Dear god, how the hell do these people keep track of their real and metaphysical ships?

 

Anyway, so most of it is ‘fluff’. Some of it, however, is ‘tagged’ with something called ‘angst’. Which, I don’t know what that is, but surely it can’t be too bad. I should probably read some.

 

And I’ve found a good candidate, too. It’s called “Can’t Touch This”. I like that song, a lot, so this should be good!! Anyway, I’m going to start reading now, and stop narrating my life to myself in my head… Let’s go, me!!

 

:-::-::-::-::-::-: 

 

“Hey you! New kid!” A voice called, and the distaste and nastiness was practically palpable.

 

Of course, there was only one person whom that voice could be calling to. Mr. Tony Stark: 17 year old boy genius and a brand spanking new student at the Washington D.C. Academy for Science, Health, Intelligence, and Engineering, Learning Division. (There's also a Research Division, and a Task Force Division, and a bunch of other random ass Divisions, but you have to graduate the Learning Division first to be considered for one of those.)

 

"Hey you, yeah, you! Brown-noser! What do you think you were doing back there?" Says Mr. Hatevoice. And now, Tony remembers his name from his most recent class..

 

Justin Hammer: bully, engineer, quasi- genius, and all-around asshole.

 

Tony doesn't think it's in his best interest to stop and talk to the dickwad, but with all the kids in front of him stopping and turning around to see what all the commotion is about, he really doesn't have anywhere else to go. So, against his better judgement, he turns around.

 

And promptly receives a 1500 page Calculus BC textbook to the face, a long with a shit ton of insults.

 

"Who the hell do you think you are, punk? Walking into your fucking first day here and thinking you can show everyone up just like that? It doesn't fucking work like that, baby face. There's a pecking order here; I'm at the top and you're at the bottom. You don't make yourself look good, you little piece of shit, you make  _me_  look good, because I'm the one who deserves it most. Speaking of which, you think you're smarter than me? I guarantee you you're not, pussy boy.

 

"I guarantee you I am, by your own words. If you have to fucking ask "You think you're smarter than me?" Then the answer is fucking self-evident. Yes, I fucking do think I'm smarter than you. Actually, I know I'm smarter than you, so fuck off!!" Tony shouted, and turned around to walk away.

 

"Don't you fucking walk away from me, boy!! I can make your life a living hell!!"

 

Tony began laughing, but it was a cold, dead laugh with almost no feeling.

 

"Believe me, Hammer, I've been in Hell way longer than you could ever stand. Way before you started fucking up my life, at least.

 

:-::-::-::-::-::-::-::-::-:

 

It turns out that even super secret fucking spy schools have gangs. And the name of the one at SHIELD? The Ten Rings. Of course, because terrorist groups totally need protégés, that definitely makes the world a better place. Or at least, making the world a better place is what SHIELD is devoted to doing, not necessarily it's individual students.

 

And of course, who else would be its leader but fucking Hammer?

 

"Hey buddy!"

 

So, this has become a thing. Hammer walks up with a couple of Ten Rings goons, and even though Tony's already in hell, they decide to turn the BBQ burners up from spicy to roasting.

 

This includes, but is not limited to:

 

  *       Punching Tony literally everywhere on his body
  *       Punching Tony literally everywhere on campus
  *       Causing Tony physical harm with numerous extremely dangerous things that can be found only in very few super secret restricted laboratories across the world. And of course, in fucking Spy High
  *       Causing Tony to look bad in front of all students
  *       Causing Tony to look bad in front of all teachers
  *       Causing Tony to become the least liked student of one Director Fury, head of SHIELD. And according to a lot of people, that's hard to do because, while Fury doesn't like anybody (minus the assassin twins and his Assistant Principals, he loves them) he really doesn't hate anybody, either. Except, of course, Tony Stark. Thank you, Hammer.
  *       And much much more!! (Can you see the sarcasm dripping from those exclamation points. Yeah, that's a thing.)



Really, Tony's sorry he's here at all. But with his parents dead and an astoundingly high IQ, he really has nowhere else to go where people wouldn't be afraid of him, instead of the other way around. And that's really almost worse, so Tony's fine to stay where he is for now.

 

Even though it means constant limping and glare-avoiding.

 

:-::-::-::-::-::-::-::-:

 

So, Tony's walking down the hall, as usual. Avoiding everyone, as usual. Talking to his only two friends, as usual. (Bruce and Jarvis are such Bros, Tony doesn't know what he'd do without them.) when suddenly something extremely unusual happens.

 

Two fingers clamp down on the back of his neck, pinching so tight they dig in between the individual cords of muscle.

 

"Hey there, punk. Miss me?" Tony whips around to face the smugly grinning Hammer, and realizes that something is different this time around. This isn't going to be a normal "Let's beat Tony up and walk away!" session. Hammer will usually stop when he's satisfied that Tony's had enough.

 

But Tony can tell by the lack of anything even remotely emotional in his face that this time around, there will be no stopping till Tony is dead. Or Hammer is, but with Ringo One and Ringo Two just behind Hammer (you can thank Snark Master Jarvis for those nicknames, by the way) there's really no way Tony would even be able to touch Hammer this time. And isn't that one fucking song just ruined for the rest of his life, now.

 

But really, even though Tony doesn't have a chance, he's not going down without a fight. It's just the way Starks work.

 

"Hey Buddy, how's it going?"

 

"Hammer, get your fucking hand off of me."

 

"Aww, don't be like that, Little Guy, I-"

 

Tony whips around and decks hammer in the shoulder, and Hammer's not expecting him to fight back so he stumbles and spins backwards. Ringos One and Two move up to help Hammer, but before they can get there Tony summons a little bit of assassin-y behavior of his own. He whips his leg around and clips Hammer in the temple with his toe, knocking him out cold. Hammer falls to the ground, and everyone freezes, stunned. Even Tony.

 

The Ringos look a little more scared now, which is saying something, because they usually aren't scared at all. Even so, they slowly start advancing on Tony.

 

But Tony's having none of that, and he half-crouches and assumes 'Threatening Pose Number One', that somehow manages to actually look half-threatening.

 

"Back the fuck off!" He snarls.

 

And to his surprise, they do.

 

But then Tony hears the clip-cloping of a multitude of dress shoes and heels behind him, and realizes the real reason that the toughest guys in school ran like frightened rabbits, which was definitely not 'Threatening Pose Number One', cause the only thing that seem to be threatening right now is Tony's susceptibility to cramps.

 

The Assistant Principals (who are called Agents, for some reason. It probably has to do with the other Divisions) are approaching, with their ever present squad of Peacekeepers. And that is not good.

 

"What is going on here?" The calmest voice in the entire building asks, and Tony slowly turns to face Agent Coulson. Who is, of course, flanked by Agents Hill and Sitwell. Junior Agents Barton, Romanof, and Barnes are also in attendance.

 

"He violated my personal space, and I wasn't okay with that. So I asked him to stop. He didn't, so I knocked him out. End of story."

 

Hill slowly raised a single eyebrow. "You? Knocked out the biggest bully on campus? I don't believe you."

 

"Wait, you now he's a bully?" Tony incredulously asked.

 

"Yes, now how about you tell us what really happened." Sitwell snarked. (But not nearly as well as Jarvis would have.)

 

"I did tell you the truth." Tony absentmindedly replied. "So, if you know he's a bully, why the hell haven't you done anything about him?"

 

"We like to let our student take matters into their own hands. It shows strength of character. Now, can anyone here corroborate Mr. Stark's claim?" Coulson queried to the crowd that was still gathered around Tony and the pile of flesh that was Hammer on the floor.

 

"I can." Bruce spoke up. And seriously, thank goodness for science bros.

 

"You're biased, to close to the situation. Anyone else?" Peacekeeping Agent Romanoff felt the need to add.

 

And then, wonder of wonders, someone actually did speak up. None other than Peacekeeper Captain Steve Rogers: straight-A student, sports team Captain (before you ask which one, all of them), Adonis, and frequent star in Tony's wet dreams. (Seriously though, if you ever saw him, you wouldn't be able to help yourself either.)

 

"I can, sir." Steve calmly stated from his position off to the side of the crowd. And wasn't that just like him, to be the politest motherfucker in existence. Tony should really see about taking some manners lessons from him, but first Tony'd have to care about his own lack of manners.

 

"Steve?" Clint asked. As if it wasn't fucking obvious, idiot. Who else do you know towers above the entire student body and has enough muscle mass to throw a stick at. And have said stick break into tears at being thrown at so many muscles...

 

Alright, Tony's not the best at metaphors, moving on!!

 

"I saw the whole thing; Hammer came up behind him and grabbed his neck, Tony asked him to stop and Hammer didn't, so Tony introduces his steel-toes workboots to Hammer's temples, and the result is now attempting to flee the scene." He said.

 

"Hammer, get back here!" Sitwell roared, and damn, could that man manipulate sound waves to their loudest potential or something?

 

Hammer cringed in fear from where he was laying on the floor, trying to crawl away inconspicuously.

 

"Steve, take Tony back to his room please, and make sure he doesn't just stand there with his mouth gaping open like that once you get there. He doesn't deserve to have a dehydration headache in the morning along with all the other injuries he's got." Hill commanded, and Steve hopped to it like he was made to follow orders.

 

"Yes Ma'am." He replied, polite as ever, and walked over to the still frozen Tony.

 

"Come along now, Stark, let's get you somewhere with privacy." He quietly encouraged.

 

But around that time, Tony's locked knees caught up to him, and he fainted in Steve's arms.

 

:-::-::To Be Continued::-::-:

 

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

 

"Tony!"

 

"Oh! Steve, I was just-"

 

"Tony, what's wrong?" Steve approached him cautiously and knelt down in front of him, wiping away a tear that was sliding down Tony's face with his thumb. "Are you okay honey? Does something hurt?"

 

"No no, Steve. I'm fine, I-"

 

"Tony, you are obviously not fine. I just want to help, will you please tell me what's wrong?" Steve asked comfortingly.

 

"Steve, no, you shouldn't have to put up with me like this. I'll be fine, I just... Can you give me a minute? I just need a minute to think, is all, I-"

 

Steve lunged forward and placed his lips gently on Tony's, reaching up to frame Tony's soft face with his hands. Steve kissed him thoroughly but softly, and it was so sweet and pure that Tony couldn't help but let all his sadness drain away, to be replaced by a mute joy and calmness that Tony hadn't known he was missing before Steve.

 

They didn't come up for air for a long while, and even then it was only at the behest of Jarvis that that they did.

 

"Pardon me, sirs, but I'm afraid if I allow this debauchery fest to continue the possibility of you developing diabetes from the sickening sweetness of your oral copulation? intercourse? will soon violate my top: priority: to ensure the safety of you, sirs. I would appreciate if you would cease trying to lick sir's vocal chords at this time, Captain, or I may have to sic Dummy on you with his fire extinguisher."

 

"Shut up, smart ass!"

 

"Sir, I am afraid that I cannot locate an individual named "Smart Ass" in your vicinity, would you like me to try searching the rest of the tower."

 

"Just ignore him."

 

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm afraid it violates many important protocols to ignore the good Captain. Would you like me to avoid initiating conversation with him in the future?"

 

"Jarvis, shut up!"

 

"Of course, Captain."

 

"Good lord, what did I ever do to deserve that over glorified idiot of a Siri model? What did I do to deserve _either_ of you?"

 

Steve regained his serious look in a matter of milliseconds. "Oh Tony, why would you think that you don't deserve me? I love you, and that's all that matters."

 

"But-"

 

"Do you love me, Tony?"

 

"Steve, I-"

 

"Do you love me?"

 

Sigh "Yes, Steve. I love you, more than I ever thought I would be capable of loving anyone."

 

"Well, guess what. I declare that the only requirement for being worthy of me is to love me. Therefore, you are _so_ worthy, Tony. My one and only-"

 

"Forever and ever." Tony murmured the last part of their little saying that they had with him. And for the first time he realized that he really, truly, deeply meant those words. Beyond just rote memorization and repetition, he _believed_ them, and that in and of itself was a miracle.

 

"Alright, Steve, I'm worthy of you. Still, It shouldn't affect me this much though, it's just fan fiction. Other people may start crying when they read it, but they don't start outright _bawling_..." Tony couldn't help but protest.

 

"But Tony, that's because this is about _you_. For someone else it's not as big of a deal because they can distance themselves; it's not them. _You_ are directly involved in the plot of this story, whereas _they_ are not, therefore it makes sense that this affects _you_ more." Steve emphatically replied, trying to get through his husband's head what he knew he needed to hear.

 

"Why did I ever teach you about the power of indisputable logic..." Tony grumbled into Steve's chest.

 

Steve couldn't help but chuckle at that, his husband was just adorable sometimes.

 

"I don't know, babe. But I am going to take one thing away from all of this."

 

"And what is that?"

 

"I am now the sole member of the Board of Approval of Fanfiction for Tony Stark to Read."

 

And now Tony was the one who couldn't help but laugh. His husband just said the sweetest stuff like that.

 

"You know what babe, I'm not even taking that one to court." Tony smirked, and leaned up into his husband's embrace to kiss him.

 

And, as usual, it didn't stop there...

 

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

 

Have you noticed that I like to have Steve interrupt Tony? I really don't know why that is, actually...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, please leave me prompts in the comments!! Thanks!
> 
> I don't know, Wishful, I'm actually pretty proud of this one.


	3. Rule 181: Pillow Forts are Totally a Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is basically all fluff. If you can't tell (which, admittedly it's probably pretty hard to tell) this is set up as if each Avenger is texting the others, and who it is is denoted by initials. TS - Tony Stark, SR - Steven Rogers, CB - Clint Barton, PC - Phil Coulson, NR - Natasha Romanov, BB - Bruce Banner. And then Thor's just not there. Idk where he is, but it's not here, sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I know this story is not the best, nor is it actually particularly noteworthy because of the spotty writing quality. However, I really enjoyed writing in this style, and where there were rough patches I couldn't figure out any other way to say what I wanted to.
> 
> This is basically all fluff. If you can't tell (which, admittedly it's probably pretty hard to tell) this is set up as if each Avenger is texting the others, and who it is is denoted by initials. TS - Tony Stark, SR - Steven Rogers, CB - Clint Barton, PC - Phil Coulson, NR - Natasha Romanov, BB - Bruce Banner. And then Thor just shows up magically. (Not literally magically. That probably wasn't the best choice of word, but I'm going to go with it.)
> 
> P.S. Yes, pretty much everyone's OOC, but I really don't care at this point. On top of everything else, it's not that important to me.

****

TS: Steve!!!

TS: Hey Steve!!

TS: Steeeeeve! Where are you?

TS: OMG Steve, text me back!

SR: Stop it Tony, you know I'm in a meeting with Fury.

TS: But Steeeviiieee! I have a good idea!!

TS: Okay, clarification. I have good ideas all the time, like literally 24/7/365. But this good idea is a good idea for us!

TS: STEVE!

TS: It's something fun we can do later, and it involves pillows and blankets and the bed.

TS: And me and you.

TS: Steven Grant Rogers-Stark you text me back right now or so help me Thor you are not touching my ass for a year!

SR: Awww, come on Tony, you know you love it when I touch your ass. And finger your ass. And eat out your ass. And fuck your ass. And do lots of awesome stuff with your ass. You could never keep that up for an entire year!

SR: *super sarcastic Anne Hathaway voice* And thanks for waiting till I was done ripping Fury apart (he legit tried to suggest that we move into a SHIELD compound) before texting me. It was really appreciated.

TS: Why did we ever show you that movie. It's really not as awesome as you think it is.

TS: Steve! You ripped Fury apart?

TS: That’s awesome, I really hope you mean literally.

TS: Hill would be so much better at doing his job than he is.

TS: And while Coulson would be better than her, he’s with us now, so…

SR: Yes Tony, I know, thank you. The point being that you kept texting me during my meeting after I asked you not to. I should be then one threatening you.

SR: Anthony Edward Stark-Rogers, you stop texting me right now or so help me Odin I will not let you touch my dick for a year!

SR: Except I really want you to touch my dick. So nevermind the threat.

SR: Is that what you were trying to tell me earlier with the whole pillows and blankets thing? That you wanna have sex? Cause I can be there in under two minutes if I run as fast as I can.

SR: Which is actually pretty fast, but I don’t know exactly how fast.

SR: It’s probably in some file somewhere.

SR: Anyway, how soon do I need to be home?

TS: No no, Steve, we’re not having sex tonight!

SR: Wow... Knowing you, I never thought I'd hear you say that sentence. Ever.

TS: Well, sex wasn’t part of my plan... But all things considered, that might be a really good idea.

TS: In conjunction with the plan, at least.

TS: We must save the plan at all costs!!

TS: Anyway, guess what we’re going to do Steve!

SR: What?

TS: Go on, guess!

SR: I have no clue… What are we doing tonight with pillows and blankets and the bed and ourselves?

SR: Also, what’s for dinner?

TS: Bruce is making some random Indian thing that smells REALLY good. But I don’t know exactly what it is, because I’m too busy making preparations for tonight!

TS: Keep guessing!

SR: Tony, IRDEFK, what the heck are we going to do?

TS: Wait for it.

TS: Wait for it.

TS: Keep waiting.

TS: Just keep waiting.

TS: *obnoxious Dory voice* Just keep waiting, just keep waiting.

TS: Keeping you in suspense is really fun.

TS: Just a little longer!

SR: Tony!

TS: Okay okay, I’ll tell you! But I really do need you to wait a few minutes now, actually.

TS: Dummy has moved on from compulsively making me green cellulose smoothies to compulsively pouring said cellulose smoothies on the floor of the Lab, and I really don’t trust him to clean it up himself. I really need to clean up his programming one of these days…

TS: That is, if I can remember how the hell I did it the first time…

SR: Okay Tony, fine. But this better not be a ploy to keep me in suspense any longer! FYI I’m ten minutes out.

TS: K, kisses babe!

SR: See you soon! Love you!

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

NR: I can’t believe how much of a kept man you’ve become, Tony. It’s adorable, but really utterly hilarious. Seriously, when I was monitoring you for SHIELD, I would never in a million years have predicted that you would become so caring and self-sacrificing in a somehow healthy way. But despite the odds, you’ve managed to exceed everyone's expectations, and are a wonderful husband.

NR: That being said, you give me my Hulk pillow back right this instant, or I’m telling Steve about your idea! It’s really cute, but not when it involves pillows that are NOT YOUR OWN!

TS: *Sigh* Fine, Tasha, you can have it back. I really wanted to have all of our merch pillows as a part of the idea because I know how much the team means to Steve, but if you want to ruin the dreams of America’s favorite superhero, go right ahead.

BB: Aw, come on Tony. Don’t try and tell us that you don’t have all six of our pillows and their special edition pillowcases hidden away in some creepy shrine to your boyfriend.

TS: He’s my FIANCE now, get it right!

NR: Trust me, Tony, there’s no way any of us could ever forget it. Sometimes I want to gag from all the sickly sweet looks you two give each other 24/7/365. If you guys weren’t in a relationship already, I don’t know what the rest of us would do but I can guarantee you it would be drastic. Even the Master of Obliviousness would have caught on by now!

TS: And yes, I do already have all the pillows, Bruce. But the shrine is not creepy!

BB: Come on, babe, give Thor some credit. He’s not that bad...

BB: Also, I would like my Black Widow pillow back as well. I have no threats to give other than I will sic my Tasha on you if I have to, and that should be threat enough.

TS: Good night,Bruce, you're really pulling out the big guns here! I don’t think anyone who knows Tasha would dare do or not do something made under threat of that!

NR: Thank you, Tony!

TS: Welcome! You’s on his way down with the pillows, btdubs.

BB: Thank you, Tony, we appreciate it.

NR: Appreciate it? Returning stolen items is a basic action of a decent human being Bruce, not something we praise him for. Nicety conditioning, remember?

TS: Hey! I am a decent human being!

BB: Come on, Tasha, self-confidence is just as important as being a decent person. Baby steps, remember?

NR: Good point, however, being a decent human being is a way to improve your self-confidence.

TS: Okay, okay, that’s enough of talking about my multitude of issues. We all know they exist, and that’s it. K?

BB: At least tell us you’re working on them, Tony. We care about you.

TS: Well, Steve is working on them. Is that helping?

NR: Good enough, Tony. Have fun tonight, and thanks for the pillows back!

BB: Hey Tasha, could we maybe do that too? Please?

NR: Of course, Brucie baby. It sounds really fun!

TS: So, I was about to make a sassy comment about how you two are almost as domestic and cute as Steve and I, almost, but then I realized who I was talking to and decided staying alive is more important than making snarky comments. Barely.

TS: Have fun guys!

BB: Thanks, Tony. You too!

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

SR: Hey Phil? There is a major crisis in progress, and global security is at risk. The only way you can stop it is to tell me what Tony is planning for tonight. If you don’t, everything we stand for will crumble around us, and civilization as we know it will end.

CB: Damn, Cap. You should definitely quit your day job and become a poet, that is some Greek Epic worthy diction right there. Who knew you were so eloquent and academic?

PC: Who knew he was so good at bullshitting?

SR: Who knew Clint had a vocabulary bigger than a third grader who cusses?

CB: Who knew you could actually insult someone and not damage your delicate sensibilities?

PC: *snort* What sensibilities? Haven't you heard him and Tony literally every single night/time when they're alone together for the past several months?

SR: No, he has to take his hearing aids out so we don’t damage his delicate sensibilities.

PC: Oooooooh! Burn, little birdy!

CB: Phil, I am so not amused. You should treat your husband better than this, or he might have to divorce you and continue his fabulous affair with a certain one-eyed someone in really sexy leather.

CB: Also, it really wasn’t that funny, Phil. You didn’t need to shout “BURN” from the metaphorical rooftops.

SR: As if Fury would ever take it up the ass, Clint.

SR: And trust me, it's no use denying it, we all know who tops and who bottoms in you guys’ bedroom.

SR: No offense, Phil.

PC: None taken, and no I will not tell you what Tony is doing. He deserves to keep this secret for a little while longer.

CB: Aw, come on Steve! You take it up the ass, too! “Yes, Tony! Take me, baby, pound me harder! Yes, that’s it! Harder, Tony! Deeper!” So you can’t say shit about who tops and who bottoms! And who knows, maybe you, Phil, and Fury could all have a Bottom Pride party on the ‘carrier. Talk about your favorite dildos and stuff.

PC: Surprising as it may be, Fury would definitely be interested in that conversation if you were talking about dildos. Just saying.

PC: And you didn’t hear that from me.

CB: What?

SR: You've gotta be kidding me.

SR: How the hell did you ever find that out, Phil?!

CB: Damn, Phil! Why haven’t you said anything before?! I’m definitely leaving him some ‘presents’ for his birthday next year.

PC: Not saying, Steve.

PC: And how the hell do you know when Fury’s birthday is, Clint? Even I don’t know that…

CB: Not saying, baby. You have your secrets, and I have mine.

PC: Fair enough...

SR: Alright, fine. If you won't tell me, then I'm out. See you guys later!

CB: See you, Capsicle!

PC: Goodnight, Captain Rogers.

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

CB: Natasha my darling the light of my life,

CB: Can you assist me in romancing my husband tonight?

NR: What the hell, Clint?

CB: Tasha, I did a rhyming thing!!!

CB: You should be proud of me!!

CB: Also, Steve said I have a vocabulary the size of a third grader, was he right?

NR: Come on, Clint. What's up?

CB: Fine...

CB: So, have you heard what Tony is planning for Steve tonight?

NR: He tried to kidnap my Hulk pillow!!!!

NR: I mean, yes, I did hear.

CB: Woah. Was that emotion I just hear in your metaphorical voice?

NR: Bite me.

CB: Oooooooook…

CB: Anyway, I want to do that for me and Phil!

CB: But I don’t know how, because I’ve never done that thing before.

NR: Well, I've never done it either...

CB: Really?

CB: Ok, it's not that surprising.

CB: But still.

CB: Anyway, what do we do now?!?!

NR: I don't know.

CB: Aw, come on Tasha!!

NR: Hey, I'm not some kind of enchantress who can magically implant knowledge in my own brain!!

NR: Also, me and Brucie bear kinda want to do that to, so...

CB: Now what do we do?!?

NR: Well, we could ask the one person in this tower who actually seems to know what he's doing.

CB: Aw, come on, really Tasha? You know he's just going to mercilessly tease us for our subpar fort-building skills!!

NR: Hey Clint?

CB: Yeah?

NR: I think you just proved you have a vocabulary bigger than a third grader.

CB: Fuck yeah!

NR: Aaaaaaaand, never mind.

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

CB: Heyyyyyyy Tonyyyyyyyyy...

TS: Oh god. What do I have to pay for this time?

NR: Really Clint? Are you really going to start a conversation that way with the guy whose assistance we need?

TS: Natasha? Fancy seeing you here.

TS: But really. How much of the city did you guys break this time?

CB: Okay, really? You break the city more often than we do mister, so you can't say anything!

NR: Clint! Not helping!

CB: But Tashaaaaaaaaaa!!

NR: Don't you "But Tashaaaa" me, Clint. You can just go build your own pillow for then!

TS: What? Clint wants to build a pillow fort?

CB: Hey!! I thought we said we were going to trick him into helping us, not give him a bigger opening for snarkicism!

TS: So that's what you meant when you said ask for assistance...

TS: Alright, fine, come down to the common room. We'll all turn this into a big surprise our husbands and boyfriends/team bonding shit thing.

CB: Really?!? Thanks Tony!!

NR: Thank you, Tony. We appreciate it.

TS: You know, you better be thankful. Steve and I were going to have awesome cuddly sex in our pillow fort tonight, and now we can’t do that.

CB: TMI Tony!! TMI!!

NR:Come on, Clint, you can’t tell me you weren’t thinking the same thing.

CB: That’s not the point, I didn’t say anything about it.

NR: But you’re not the one whose romantic evening alone with your husband got interrupted.

CB: Good point…

TS: Well? Are you guys coming?

CB: YES!!!

NR: On our way, Tony.

~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~

-In the lobby of Avengers’ Tower-

“Hey Phil, I thought you said earlier that you had to stay at Shield for the night…”

“Hey Steve! Yeah, well, Clint called and said he had something special planned for us tonight, so I managed to wheedle my way out of overnight duty.” Phil replied sheepishly.

“Hey guys, what’s up?”

“Dr. Banner!”

“Hey Bruce, how’s it going?” Steve turned to find the slight yet spunky scientist standing awkwardly behind him.

“Well, Natasha sent me down here to get you two. I don’t know why, but she did. She said we’re supposed to wait here a few minutes then go up to the common floor.” He replied.

“Okay then. Something’s up.” Phil murmured.

“Alright then, let’s wait here for a few minutes.” Steve said as he flopped down onto one of the many couches in the luxurious reception area. “Do either of you have any idea what’s going on?”

“Well, I know what’s going on for you, but not myself or Dr. Banner.” Coulson replied.

“Same here, I don’t know why all three of us are down here. Not that I don’t like spending time with you guys, but I would prefer knowing what’s going on.” Bruce added.

Suddenly, all three of their pockets buzzed simultaneously.

“What? What’s this?”

“Hmmmm, interesting.”

“Did you guys just get a text from Natasha and Tony respectively?” Phil asked.

“Yeah.” Steve replied. “It says ‘1) Oh men of ours with hearts of gold, we request that you come in from the cold.’”

“Mine says ‘2) Ride the elevator up to the common floor now, and your significant others will soon be found.’” Bruce said.

“And finally, mine says ‘3) We hope that you will soon enjoy, some cuddles courtesy of your girl and boys. P.S. I did another rhyming thing! I should totally become a poet!’” Phil finished.

“Well, I guess we should head upstairs then. Come along, men.” Steve cheerily said as he started walking towards the elevator.

“Really though, Clint shouldn’t quit his day job.” Bruce muttered.

“Yeah well, he kind of already did when he left Shield.” Phil replied resignedly.

“Oh yeah…”

“So, here we are. The common floor.” Steve started out of the elevator. “I wonder what’s going-”

“SURPRISE!” Tony, Clint, and Natasha shouted together, stopping the three men dead in their tracks.

As the looked around the ‘family room’ area of the common floor, all they could see was piles and piles of pillows and blankets everywhere, draped on things and covering practically every single surface available. It was hard to tell where the floor was because of all the fluffy, squishy, cuddly things strewn about.

“We wanted to surprise you all with a team bonding activity where we could all be comfortable and snuggly together. Yay!” Tony said.

Steve walked up to him, speechless, and just stood there staring at him.

“What’s wrong babe?” Tony frowned up at his silent husband. “Do you not like it? Is it not something you’d be interested in? Because, you know, we can always take it down and put everything away, and just have a nice normal simple family dinner together, but, anyway, I thought you wouldn’t like it, but, I don’t know I  kind of hoped you would, and-”

Steve silenced his husband’s nervous babbling with a toe-curling kiss that came out of nowhere, effectively cutting off his train of thought.

After a few minutes, he pulled back, and said

“Babe, I love it. I think it’s a wonderful idea. I always wanted to do this as a child but my mom would never let me because she was afraid I’d accidentally suffocate myself. Looking back, I can understand her need to protect me, but this has always been one of the things I truly regret missing in my childhood. And now, you’ve given me the perfect opportunity to share it not only with the single most important person of my entire existence, but all the other people who I care about the most. Thank you, so much. I really love it. I love _you_.”

“I love you too.” Tony managed through teary eyes and a gravely throat.

And so, they spent a wonderful evening laughing and relaxing with their family, just enjoying having special people in their lives.

And yes, they did sneak up to their room after everyone else had fallen asleep and had amazing cuddly snuggly husband sex in their own special pillow fort Tony had built on their bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is kind of embarrassing, but I can't remember exactly which Anne Hathaway movie I'm referencing...
> 
>  
> 
> ~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~
> 
> Okay, look. I know my updating schedule is non-existant, which is really frustrating for those few who chose to actually read my stuff. I don't update much cause I have no motivation. I have no motivation because I have no feedback. If I knew people were reading this and liking it, I would be a lot more motivated to write and post. So if you want me to post more regularly, do something - anything - to let me know you're there.
> 
> Yes this request stems from self worth issues, but it would be greatly appreciated if you would just humor me, okay?
> 
> I am in the market for a Beta for my stories. If you would like to be my Beta (for which I will very happily return the favor) you must have written something(s) and posted them somewhere where I can read them so I can judge whether or not you are a suitable judge of grammar. BTW, being my Beta would include my fanfics on here and my original stories on Wattpad under the username X0Sweets0X . Note that they are zeros and not capital O's, like on here. I envision this as kinda a mutual partnership thing, so if you are an up-and-coming writer here please message me, and we'll work something out.

**Author's Note:**

> Instead of "Feed Me Kudos", please "Feed Me Prompts". Thanks!!
> 
> As always, I never said it was good. Yes, I am fully aware of how much of a piece of shit this is.


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